If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
