i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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