I hate all girls vehemently.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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