you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
