Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
