Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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