she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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