remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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