last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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