This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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