8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
