I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
