I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
