So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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