i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
