She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
