I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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