We're facebook friends in real life
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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