Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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