I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
