you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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