Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
