im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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