I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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