Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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