matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I want to be your penis for a week.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
