I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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