Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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