The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize