We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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