i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
