I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
