My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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