Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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