Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
