I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
