Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
