Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
