dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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