I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
