Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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