Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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