Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
