:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize