Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
