So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize