Moan for me like Helen Keller
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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