I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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