Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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