Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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