Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
