Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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