My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
