I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Of course I have a pirate flag
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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