If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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