my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i was born a porn star she said
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
