One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
