Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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