I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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