look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
