I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
