Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
