Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
