Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
what is it with giant penises always finding me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize