okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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