if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
